


What is with the Puppets?

by FandomHarmony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Potter Puppet Pals (Web Series)
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bad Jokes, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dolores Umbridge Bashing, Dolores Umbridge Being an Asshole, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Gen, I'm taking this too seriouly, Not So Evil Voldemort (Harry Potter), Potter Puppet Pals, Puppets, Reaction, Snape's Diary, Some Plot, Sweet Neville Longbottom, Watch the show, Wizard Angst, barely any plot, but a little bit, disclaimer puppet, i love neville longbottom, is that how you spell that?, neville is a butternut squash, random plant facts, school is for losers, the mysterious ticking noise, they get really embarrassed, too sirius-ly, wizard swears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:01:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21536404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomHarmony/pseuds/FandomHarmony
Summary: It keeps interrupting her, which they are grateful for, don't get them wrong. No one actually wants to hear her speech, except her.The problem is they don't know where it comes from. Or why it's here.Or why there are singing puppets involved.Otherwise known as, I wanted to have the gang react to the Potter Puppet Pals. Don't know how long this will go on.
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Minerva McGonagall & Severus Snape, Neville Longbottom & Harry Potter
Comments: 30
Kudos: 98





	1. The Mysterious Ticking Noise

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on my other fics. Help me.
> 
> The video's text will be in bold. I don't own that stuff. Or Harry Potter. I don't own anything and I'm poor.

The first incident was the most surprising. No one knew what to expect as no one knew what was happening.

Umbridge was interrupting Dumbledore, which was unprecedented. What did that woman think she was doing?

“Hem, hem,” she coughed. “If I may say a few words?”

Her saccharine voice was grating on everybody’s nerves. They didn’t really want to hear what she had to say as she stood up to make whatever speech she had thought up. Perhaps that was why they were so easily distracted by what was happening at the back of the Hall.

It suddenly appeared out of nowhere. There wasn’t a bang or a flash, or anything quite like that. Someone from the Hufflepuff table yelled, “Look!” which was what got everyone’s attention in the first place. And because they didn’t want to listen to Umbridge, there their attention stayed.

Now, the object that had appeared was big enough to be seen by everyone in the Hall, even those at the teacher’s table. It might have been a stage. There was a blue curtain. Though, what was it doing here?

A strange electronic tune started playing and the first curtain opened up. A hand put up a handwritten placard that everyone could read. It read: **_Potter Puppet Pals’_** **…**

Quickly, they all glanced at the Gryffindor table. The infamous Golden Trio were all looking at each other in confusion. They didn’t seem to know what this was either. They all turned their attention back to the stage.

The sign changed:  **_in The Mysterious Ticking Noise?!_ **

A metronome had begun a solitary beat and the music went away with the sign.

Out from the wings, wandered a hand puppet; a puppet that looked suspiciously like Professor Snape. Snape scowled at the puppet, while everyone in the Hall either gasped or giggled. They fell silent as the puppet spoke in an obviously bad impression of Snape.

**“What,”** it said,  **“is that Mysterious Ticking Noise?”** The puppet quickly went back and forth, as if searching for something.  **“It’s not over here, not over there.”** He paused.  **“It’s kinda… catchy.”**

Oh, no, they all thought. It’s going to sing. Some students were struggling to fight down laughter. This was either going to be really bad, or hilarious.

**“Snape. Snape. Severus Snape,”** it sung.  **“Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.”**

**“Dumbledore!”** A puppet wearing blue robes and a white beard popped up, shocking the students. The Snape puppet kept going, with the Dumbledore puppet routinely interrupting.

Then a third puppet popped up. It was wearing student robes and had red hair. Ron started blushing when his siblings and half the Hall were looking at him.

In a disproportionately high voice that made many students stop trying to hold back their laughter.  **“Ron. Ron. Ron Weasley!” “Dumbledore!”**

Even Hermione chuckled under her breath until a brunette puppet appeared.  **“Hermione.”** Oh, dear lord.  **“Hermione. Hermione, Hermione.”**

Harry knew what was coming. As soon as the puppet with glasses showed up, he banged his head on the table.  **“Harry Potter, Harry Potter. Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!”**

This was so embarrassing. How would they ever recover from this? The Snape and Harry puppets were fighting.  **“Snape.”**

**“Harry.”**

**“Snape.”**

**“Harry.”**

**The puppets were hitting each other.**

**“Snape!”**

**“Harry!”**

**“Snape!”**

**“Harry!”**

**“Dumbledore!”** the puppet shouted as it came between them, ticking still behind them. The Hermione puppet went across the stage. **“Herrr-mione!”**

The puppets calmed down and went back to their own names for two rounds of Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Then they all sang in unison. **“Singing our song! All day long, at HOOGGGG- WAARRTS!”**

Puppet-Ron ducked down from view.  **“I found the source of the ticking!”** Harry finally peeked up at Puppet-Ron came back up.  **“It’s a pipe bomb!”**

The puppet Trio cheered while the Snape and Dumbledore puppets looked at each other with alarm. The students in the Hall gasped (at least, those who knew what a pipe bomb was). Would this actually end darkly?

The lights flashed on and off a couple of times on the stage. All of the puppets had disappeared, and pillow stuffing was raining down. It was completely silent…

**“Mwahahaha!”** a maniacal laugh sounded as a new puppet rose to take the stage.

Harry’s eyes widened at the sight of the albino puppet without a nose or hair. The puppet started tapping the side of the stage with it’s wand. It was going to sing?!

**“Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh, Voldy-Voldy-Voldy, Voldemort!”**

The puppet disappeared in silence. No one knew how to respond to that. A placard said:  **the end… For Now!** As the curtain closed.

The entire set up vanished before their eyes and it was pandemonium.

* * *

"What on earth was that?" Harry said, lightly traumatized.

"I don't know," Ron said. He was pale and shaking.

Hermione's blush had yet to go down from when her puppet had shown up. "I hope this never happens again."

Too bad, Hermione, you don't always get you want.


	2. Snape's Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It happened again. What is Snape's Diary?

“It’s back!” the Hufflepuff from the night before yelled. And just in time. Umbridge was about to try and make her speech again.

Whispers broke out at the sight of the stage. It was back. What was it going to show them now? The last puppet show was funny, no doubt, they would never think of Professor Snape, Dumbledore, or the Trio the same ever again. But it also showed them all blow up and then a Voldemort puppet sung a little ditty. The students didn’t particularly want to believe that Voldemort was back. Obviously, neither did Umbridge, but the students didn’t like her, so she doesn’t count.

The curtains opened and a puppet that couldn’t be recognized as a person they knew appeared. “Hi!” it greeted. “I’m a disclaimer! The puppets in these skits are caricatures of the people they are supposed to represent. Basically, all the worst qualities and personality traits of the characters, taken and exaggerated in order to be made fun of. We mean no offense. These people are perfectly nice, normal, sane people.” It said, while bobbing in an attempt to nod. “But that’s not funny enough, so we made our own versions! Enjoy!”

It ducked down and the same electronic tune from the night before played. The trio looked between each other. What on earth were their puppet selves going to do/say to warrant a disclaimer?

The hand with the sign was back. **_The Potter Puppet Pals’_ ** **…**

**_Snape’s Diary?!_ ** Snape’s Diary. That’s a thing. Oh, boy. Here we go.

The curtain lifted to show the **Ron** and **Hermione** next to each other, not really doing anything. **Harry** ran out holding a book. **“Oh, my god, look what I found!”**

**“Is that a book, Harry?”** **Ron** asked in a high voice that made him sound idiotic.

**“I know a thing or two about books,”** said **Hermione** , **“And that’s a book.”**

The real Hermione slapped her forehead. She knew that this was just a caricature, but this was so stupid. Was this how she was going to be portrayed by the puppet for however long this continued?

**“It’s not just any book,”** **Harry** said.

**“Is it a young adult, vampire romance novel?”** **Ron** asked, much to the real Ron’s dismay. He didn’t even know what that was, but it sounded horrible.

On the stage, the puppets were instantly replaced with a sign that said Ten Seconds Later. The puppets reappeared, this time, with **Ron** facing a corner. Giggles rang out when they realized that he was being punished for the ‘vampire romance novel’.

**Harry** spoke. **“Anyway… I just happened to find this book in Snape’s bedroom in a locked trunk under his bed. It’s his diary!”**

Could this get any worse?

**“Wow! Shall we read it?” Ron** asked.

**“I’ve got a better idea! Let’s read it!”**

Apparently it can.

**"Oh, what a fascinating character study this will be!"**

This is actually happening, why is a thing.

**"Kay, this is the first entry. Dear Diary"…**

Harry's voice faded into the puppet of Snape, as the scene changed to **Snape** writing in a book with a quill. " ** _Today,_ _I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavourless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried._**

What on earth? Giggles were ringing out thoughout the hall. Snape was trying to maintain face at the head of the table.

Umbridge was furious at all of this. Why did she keep getting interrupted by these idiotic puppets?

The scene changed back to the trio. 

**"I’m hungry!"** Ron said.

Immediately, the puppet Harry snapped back. **"What else is new, fattie? Let’s get to the good stuff."**

The real Harry turned to his best friend. "I don't actually think that, you know that right?"

"Yeah, mate, I know," he said, blushing. "This is making us all look bad."

**Snape** was talking again. " ** _Today, I put on my raincoat and travelled to Knockturn Alley, where I purchased a pair of fancy mice. When I brought them home, one devoured the other and then died of loneliness. I felt envy."_**

A few of the more sympathetic students looked towards Snape with something like worry, but quickly stopped when he scowled at all of them. This was ruining his intimidating image!

**"This is hilarious!" Harry** said. **Hermione** pointed at the book. **"Oh, look, Harry! I see your name!"**

**Ron** also check the book and whispered, **"Ooh, you’re good at reading Hermione-"**

**"WHAT?!"**

Hermione wanted to slap the puppets.

**_"Today, that Potter boy showed me his middle finger-"_** The purebloods didn't know what that meant, but judging by the muggleborn and half-blood reaction, it was something scandalous that should not be done to a professor.

**_"When I attempted to punish him with detention, he shoved me into a wall, screaming, "bother, bother”, over and over. Later, he and his orange friend repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness. Tonight, I prayed for the first time in twenty years. I prayed for the end."_ **

This was extremely dramatic wasn't it? Snape glowered at the people who were trying to comfort him. He would've hissed at them, but Minerva put a hand on his shoulder and he reluctantly calmed down.

**"I remember that, Ron. Give me five!"** Really, Harry thought. That's not a good thing, he would never do that!

**"You already took my money, Harry!"**

Many people snorted at that quick joke. Ron face palmed.

**"Nevermind." Harry** said, turning back to the diary.

**" _I lost a button on my cloak today. Minerva pointed it out in front of the entire faculty. Oh, cruel attention!"_** Some chords began to play in the background. _" **Button** ,_ ** _oh, button, oh, where hath though fled? Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread? Did thee roll off my bossom and cease to exist? How I wish I could follow thee into the mist."_**

The poem left the hall speechless. Boy, this puppet of Snape was seriously depressed.

**"What is a bossom, Harry?" Ron** asked.

They didn't laugh, because that was a very quick mood change and they needed time to catch up.

**"Uhmm…"**

**Hermione** enjoyed this. " **Yea, tell him, Harry!"**

**Harry** quickly moved on. **"Oh, look! Another page!"**

**Snape's** voice started, but the scene didn't change.

**_"Today, while in the bathtub-"_ **

**Harry, Ron, Hermione** chorused **"EWWW!!!!!"** Then the scene changed.

**" _I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I was riding a thestral through a thunderstorm. Every thunderclap resolved into their voices–“bother, bother”. Suddenly, it became music. I was at the Yule Ball with Lily Evans. I asked her to dance. She asked me to die. Would that I could, Lily. Would that I could."_**

Wait, hold on. "Snape knew my mum?" Harry asked himself. And he fancied her?

**Harry** didn't react to that information at all, instead saying, **"My mum was awesome!"**

**_"When I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bath water and I was late for golf with Lucius Malfoy."_ **

The scene went back to the trio again. The flashbacks of this episode were strange.

**Ron** bobbed up and down. **"Mmm. I like prunes!"**

**Dumbledore** showed up, but instead of the blue fabric that was covering him yesterday, there was nothing. Did that mean he was naked?

**"Did somebody say prunes?"**

**"I said prunes! How did he know?"**

Moron, people thought. Mo- _Ron_ , the twins thought.

**Dumbledore** noticed the book they were reading. **"What are you monkeys up to? Studying for class?"**

**Harry** answered completely honestly. **"No. We’re invading Professor Snape’s privacy by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room."**

The Slytherins snicked from the blunt words. Oh, Harry was in for it now!

**Dumbledore** sighed. **"But you don’t have any prunes, do you?"**

Wait, what?

**"I’m afraid not."**

**Dumbledore** looked at him very severely... for a puppet. **"I’m very disappointed in you, Harry."** And then he sunk back into the floor.

That was it?! Seriously? He didn't even react?

**"Okay…back to the sinky book!"**

**" _Today, the orange one accidentally drank one of my more expensive elixers. He prompty vomited a glittering rainbow of foul waste and the classroom erupted with applause, triggering my migraine. I aborted the class and was left to clean the boy’s sick. Halfay through, Argus Filch showed up and bragged about his many affairs with Hogsmeade bar maids. Then he told me I smelled of broccoli and left without wishing me a happy birthday. I thought of my father. I cried."_**

The people who would normally look to Snape to make sure he was okay did not look at him. Instead, they resolved to be nicer to the professor. Snape knew this, and sighed.

**"This got boring.!" Harry** said. How could this be boring? **"Let's** **write a new entry!"**

**Ron** was immediately on board. **"That’s a really fun idea!"**

**Hermione** held up a quill, from nowhere. **"Here’s one of the quills I carry with me at all times."**

Oh, come on! Hermione thought. I'm not that much of a nerd! ...am I?

**Harry** took the quill. **"Okay. “I am Snape. I am so sad because I poop my pants all the time. I don’t have any friends because I stink like broccoli and poop. I teach potions to Harry Potter and it’s really boring because he’s so cool and it makes me have depression. Okay, I think I’ll go cry now, but not before I poop my pants cuz….Bye."**

That wasn't funny. The only people who laughed were Crabbe and Goyle.

And **Ron. "Haha. Can I try?"**

**"Be my guest!"**

**Ron** took the quill. " **I…M…S…"**

Ron wanted to die. Right now. Make this stop.

**Hermione** took the quill away. **"Alright, Ron. That was a good try."**

The Snape puppet entered. Oh no, shit was getting real!

**"Ugh, somebody knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room. Wait a minute! That book! What are you doing?"**

**"Snape! Ron stole your diary!" Harry said.**

Blaming things on others was so not Harry. He shook his head, before realizing that he was talking about a puppet.

**"WHAT?! You didn’t read it, did you?"**

**"Oh, he read it alright. He read it all."**

"So sorry, mate," Harry whispered.

Ron sighed. "Yeah."

**Snape** was flipping out. **"This is unacceptable!"**

**"I liked the story about the button, Snape."**

Wait, really? I mean, Ron liked the story too, but as comedy. **Ron** seemed to be serious.

**Snape** didn't know how to react either. **"You…you did?"** he asked.

**Ron** nodded. **"It made me sad, thinking about that little button, lost and alone. I hope you find your button, Snape."**

The lights faded around everyone, except for the Snape puppet. You could clearly see a tear trickling down his face.

**"So do I, orange one. So. Do. I."**

Out of the spotlight, **Ron** said, **"I like buttons!"**

The curtains closed and the 'The End' sign showed again.

People didn't know how to react as the whole setup disappeared. Should they clap? Pretend like nothing happened?

* * *

"Want to make a suicide pact?" Harry said tiredly.

"For what, if this gets too embarrassing?" Hermione asked. He nodded.

"I'm in," Ron said, gulping down his pumpkin juice like a shot of Firewhiskey.

* * *

Snape was worn down to the bone as he approached the Dark Lord. There had been a puppet of him, he deserved to know as well. And since it didn't seem to be going away...

He gulped. This is not going to end well.


	3. Wizard Angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voldemort has decided to make his investigation in the puppets. They watch Wizard Angst. Ron's found a very mature way to deal and Hermione is s h o o k.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, quick question: would you guys be interested if I included 'Cooking with Wormtail'? It's not the Puppet Pals, it's a lego stop-motion video. The sounds a bit weird, but it's still funny and I was wondering if anyone else thought about it. If not, we still have plenty of puppet videos!  
> Also, it's been pointed out to me that I haven't been putting in Dumbledore's pov on all of this. It was not intentional, but I guess I don't like writing him. I have very mixed feelings on old Dumbles and it's easier not to write him.

Things were very interesting that night at the feast. Nobody was entirely focused on the meal in front of them. They were waiting for the... puppets... to show up again.

Snape was uncomfortable. He had promised to bring the Dark Lord to investigate the puppet shows. Why he didn’t just kill the Potter boy while he was here, Snape didn’t know, but apparently these little skits were concerning, if they knew approximately what he looked like. So, currently, there was an evil dark lord disguised as a snake wondering about the Hall, waiting to see what would happen.

After the meal was over, Umbridge stood, ready to try and make a speech again. She waited a moment as everyone glanced back to see if the puppets had arrived yet. It didn’t seem like they were coming.

Umbridge gave a cruel smile. “Hem, hem,” she called, finally going to give the speech she had planned, when-

“Thank Merlin, it’s here!” the Hufflepuff shouted, relief palpable.

And it was true! The stage for the puppets was back in place, and the disclaimer puppet popped up again, while Umbridge went purple with rage. Voldemort was just glad he didn’t come out here for nothing.

“Hi!” the puppet said. “It seems that I forgot to mention that I didn’t write these!”

The people in the room looked around. If they weren’t writing these shows, then who was? Was it an adult?

“These funny little skits were written by a muggle who knows about the magical world-” the Slytherin table fell silent. Were they actually enjoying something written by a muggle? A muggle couldn’t possibly be that clever or funny… could they? Voldemort found himself insulted. All of this fuss over a muggle? “-and has heard tales of the exploits of the characters represented by the puppets. It’s all meant in good fun, but keep in mind, they have no idea how spells work! And magical swear words, but that’s another skit! That’s all! Enjoy!”

The puppet went back down and the curtains opened up, not stopping for the confusion of all the staff and students.

A sign came up, like always, that said,  **Potter Puppet Pals’ presents…** .  **Wizard Angst** .

**Harry** was the first to show up.  **“I feel cranky and pubescent today and I don’t know why. Ughh! I’m going to take out on people I like.”**

Living Harry could already tell this was going to be horrible.

**Ron** showed up, oblivious to  **Harry’s** mood.  **“Hello Harry. What sort of tomfoolery shall we get up to today?”**

**“No tomfoolery today Ron; I’m sick of your dreadful speckled mug.”**

Harry turned to Ron in silent apology. Ron waved it away and decided to just enjoy the show. Despite how idiotic his puppet was. After all, it was written by a muggle who didn’t know them. It could be funny.

**“Why must you hurt me this way, Harry?” Ron** said slowly.

**Hermione** suddenly popped up.  **“Yeah, what’s your problem, Harry?”**

Well, at least one of their puppets had sense.

**Harry** huffed.  **“My parents are dead, my life sucks, I can’t hold down a girlfriend, and I’m surrounded by f---ing goblins and s--- all the time, I mean what the f---!”**

Everyone balked at the tone that was obviously bleeping out swear words. The purebloods probably couldn’t tell what the words were supposed to be, but they got the general idea.

**Ron** stuttered a bit.  **“B-But its magic Harry; the goblins are magical!”**

**“** **Well I still have nightmares about Dobby eating my skin clean off every night. I can't take it anymore. I QUIT MAGIC!”**

The student population gaped at the idea of the Boy-Who-Lived, at anyone, quitting magic! Voldemort wished it would be the same with the real Potter.

Draco also seemed concerned. How did Harry know about his old house elf?

**Hermione** said what was on everyone’s mind.  **“But what about fighting You-Know-Who?”**

**“Fine!” Harry** said, turning to  **Ron. “It’s all up to you, Ron!”**

**Ron** didn’t like this. Neither did Harry. He would never pawn off his responsibilities on someone else!

**“B-b-b-b-but… noooooooooo,” Ron** whimpered.

**Harry** pushed him.  **“Come on now, go fight him.”**

**Ron** was pushed in front of the  **Voldemort** puppet. The people in the audience immediately hushed up. They didn’t want to admit that even the puppet scared them. It was stupid to be scared of a puppet. Voldemort was pleased that a mere imitation of his presence was enough to bring silence to the room. Other than that, he wasn’t very flattered.

**Voldemort** didn’t seem bothered by  **Ron’s** appearance.  **“Hello, little child.”**

**Ron** whimpered.

**“You want a piece of me?” Voldemort** asked.  **“What?”**

**“N-n-n-n-no, sir,” Ron** blubbered and ran away.

**Voldemort** nodded. **“Yeah, you run away.”**

**Ron** was back with  **Hermione** , and the audience suddenly relaxed again. Voldemort shook his head. He never would have let the child live.

**“I can’t do it!” Ron** said.

“Not without you, Harry,” the real Ron told him.

Harry shook his head. “You better not try to fight him without me.”

**Hermione** was comforting  **Ron** ,  **“You tried your best, Ron.”**

**“What Harry’s doing?”**

The spotlight moved to  **Harry** , who was banging his head against the side of the stage, saying “ **angst** ” over and over again.

**“** **He’s a little off today, haven’t you noticed?” Hermione** asked  **Ron.**

**“** **Maybe he’s in love!” Ron** suggested.

“ **Who’d fall in love with such an a-”**

**Hermione** interrupted before she could finish, but it made the trio of friends giggle good-naturedly.

**“Maybe he needs a hug!”**

**Harry** stopped beating his head against the wall.  **“I don’t want a hug!”**

**“Give me a hug, Harry!” Ron** said as he approached.

“This is going to end badly,” Hermione pointed out.

**“No!”**

**“Hugging!”**

**Harry** flipped out, and began aggressively hitting  **Ron. “I’ll wound you!”**

**Ron** cried out.  **Hermione** made the wise decision and left them to their fighting.

**Snape “What is all this rumpus?”** Did he just say ‘rumpus’? What? What does that even mean?

**“Harry hit me!” Ron** complained.

“ **Ron invaded my personal bubble!”** A few of the purebloods didn’t get it, the idea of personal bubbles was mostly a muggle thing, especially in America, have you seen the amount of space they have in the suburbs? No? Oh, well, back to the story, it doesn’t matter much anyway.

**Snape** was not mollified by this. **“Methinks that severe punishment is in order here.”**

**Harry and Ron** spoke in unison. **“Oh No!”**

"Our puppets are going to be murdered," Ron whispered to Harry, making him smile.

**Snape** continued, describing their punishment. **"The two of you shall be dragged by your ears to the dungeons , where a drunken Filch will be waiting with a cactus and a croquet mallet, and then…"**

**Ron & Harry ** looked at each other and acted quickly, saying an obviously fake spell. **"Pantalooniouspoopikis** **!"**

All the muggleborns burst out laughing, as well as most everyone else. The teachers showed some decorum, but the majority that weren't fans of Snape were smiling. The Slytherins refused to show any reaction to the childish joke at all. It was beneath them and highly disrespectful to their head of house.

Voldemort would have snickered if the play hadn't been written by a muggle. He didn't care about how they treated Snape, they seemed to have a fair amount of fear of Voldemort… compared to the skewering of the other characters personalities, his wasn't too bad.

" **Um, I have to, uh, leave now.** **Bye." Snape** said as he awkwardly edged out of sight.

**Dumbledore** came suddenly into the scene, laughing and sending the audience into renewed giggles. **"Oh man, that was awesome guys!"**

**"Thanks, Dumbledore!" Ron** said.

Oh, of course this wacky  **Dumbledore** wouldn't punish the boys! Of course he would find this amusing rather than incredibly disrespectful! If it were Slytherins, this wouldn't stand! ...then again, Slytherins would have more tasteful revenge.

" **Are you still full of that wizard angst, Harry?" Dumbledore** asked.

**"I think I can appreciate life a lot more now."** Those students who suffered in Snape's class totally agreed.

**"Well that’s just fantastic!" Dumbledore** said.

**Hermione** came back into view. **"Hey guys! Ewww, what’s that smell?"**

Giggles rolled through the audience.

**Ron** spoke up. " **Why, it’s Snape’s greatest potion of all!"**

All of the puppets began to laugh, obviously finding  **Ron's** comment hilarious. There were also snickers around the audience. Snape looked very dead inside, a slight difference from his usual done-with-life expression. Minerva put a hand on his shoulder

Voldemort didn’t find that very amusing. Surely muggles had better jokes than this… crap? Oh, he was no better than them!

Suddenly, the laughter stopped and  **Dumbledore** flew out of view. There was a beat of silence, then,  **“Everyone make a wish!”**

The curtains closed and that was the end. The stage once again disappeared and there was no chance of anyone listening to Umbridge’s speech.

“You know,” Ron said, “This is a lot more bearable when we stop thinking of this as us. It’s just random people that happen to share our names.”

Hermione was really taken aback by his wisdom. “That’s… a very mature outlook, Ron.”

Harry looked between the two of them and mentally face palmed. They really needed to get a room. At this rate, he was just going to find a convenient closet to shove them into until they figured it out.

Voldemort was… perhaps not intrigued, but certainly interested in these little shows. They warranted further study. Guess he’s just gonna have to stick around.


	4. Wizard Swears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, time for the gang to make fun of some wacky swear words that are, somehow, still mostly appropriate for children! Neville meets his puppet self, talks about plants, grieves and makes fun of Ron, not necessarily in that order. Umbridge tries to be clever, but she's about as smart as a rock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, haven't updated this since January, I'm sorry!  
> We've all had a bit of a crazy year, I know. Anyway, I'm settling into online college, so I decided to try and update my less plot intensive fic! Enjoy!  
> Also, vegetables are a lie

Following Ron’s example, Harry and Hermione started to view the puppets as random characters that just happen to share their name, instead of charichatures based off of them. It was easier to find them funny when they were looking at them objectively, and easier to brush off the insults that were thrown about in the show. All in all, they were handling it a lot better than they had been the past few days.

Voldemort was, of course, still hanging around, making life difficult for his minion. Snape was seriously regretting his decision to ever get involved with the Dark Lord. Said dark lord currently being a snake slithering near the staff’s feet and making them uncomfortable.

After dinner, everyone sat back and waited for something to happen. Some were watching the front table for Umbridge to try and make her speech, others were watching for where the stage would show up to interrupt.

It was five long minutes before anything happened. Umbridge smiled, certain that it wasn’t going to show up tonight. Just as she pushed the chair back to stand-

“Yay!” Cheers rang out from the Hufflepuff table as the stage appeared, and the Potter Puppet Pals’ theme began to play. More cheering as the sign came up,  **The Potter Puppet Pals,** and waited to see what they were going to be hearing about today with the adventures of the puppets.

And it was…  **Wizard Swears** !

A third sign came up, with the warning  **This episode is rated PG-13 for language and boyish attitude.** Whispers broke out, wondering what the crazy muggle was going to think of their swear words, or whether they were just going to make up their own.

**Harry** came onto the stage, where  **Ron** and  **Hermione** already were. **“Guys, Professor Dumbledore posted a list of words that are banned from Hogwarts. I didn't know that wizards had swears.”**

**“Of course they do, Harry. They're called "Wizard Swears",” Hermione** explains, which is a very dumb explaination that gets the first and second years laughing.

“ **Ooh, like cauldron bum,” Ron** says. Nearly everyone in the hall snorts at this.  _ Ridiculous, _ Draco thought.  _ We have better swear words than that. _ He couldn’t think of any of them right now, but his family didn’t use them because it wasn’t polite for the company they kept.

**Harry** does the puppet equivalent of raising an eyebrow. **“Really? That's adorable.”**

**“Oh, they're worse than that,” Hermione** adds. **“Read some Harry.”**

**Harry** holds up the paper in his hand.  **“Let's see here. Son of a Banshee. That's useful.”**

It got worse when  **Hermione** said, **“Swish and Flicker. That's my favorite.”** Mainly, because right after that,  **Snape** showed up.

**“Ahem. Do my ears detect foul mouthedness?”**

**Hermione** tried to cover them: **“Oh no, Professor Sna-”**

**“Voldemort's Nipple!” Harry** shouted, causing everyone in the hall to let out scandalized gasps. If Voldemort had any eyebrows, they would indeed be rising. He and his body parts are being used as swears in this filthy muggle skit? Was this the sad, mudblood authors way of comparing him to Merlin? Or was that Voldemort’s own vanity speaking to him?

**Snape** recoiled. **“Excuse me?!”**

**“Harry!” Hermione** chastised, hitting him for good measure. The real Hermione felt vindicated.

Harry was a bit scared. He was never going to swear again at this rate. He eyed Ron next to him. Maybe this would also clean up Ron’s vocabulary… nah.

**Snape** was angry. **“I refuse to have this filth spilled in my presence, Mr. Potter. 500,000 points from Gryffindor.”** Many students felt this was an accurate portrayal of Snape. Snape disagreed because he’s Snape and he refuses to agree with anybody.

**“Dragon Boogeys!” Ron** said, way too excitedly.

There was a beat of silence while people pondered at the random swear from **Ron** , then  **Harry** whispered to his friends. **“Everybody run,”** then shouted, **“Expecto Patronads!”** before the trio of puppets disappeared off stage.

**Snape** sighed heavily. **“Rabble rousers.”**

There was a sudden scene change, and the spotlight focused on the trio as they emerged from the right. The muggle borns were wondering where the light was coming from, then they remembered none of this made sense, and also magic existed, so they shrugged and moved on.

**“That was fun,” Harry** was saying, before he paused. **“Oh. Hi Neville.”**

The rest of the lights came on and revealed… a potato??  _ It’s a butternut squash, you cauldron bums! Know your root vegetables! _

Poor Neville! He sunk a bit into his seat when he heard laughter at the squash that played his puppet  _ (this kid is good at Herbology, obviously he can recognize the importance of squash versus potato) _ . His life was hard enough without this. And with the personality of the puppets, it was only going to get worse.

Squash  **Neville** began to speak in an idiotic voice, confirming his fears. **“Hello Harry, Hermione, Ronald. What's up guys?”**

The trio glanced apologetically at Neville, who was hiding his face in his arms. They resolved to talk about it later.

**Ron** answered  **Neville’s** question. **“We're saying magical naughty words like Jiggery Pokery.”**

**Neville** gave an exaggerated gasp. **“My grandmother forbids me from using watchy language.”**

**“Well your grandmother is a Blast Ended Skank,” Harry** said. That is actually a good insult, a few wizards nodded. Harry would’ve gladly used it on literally  _ anyone else. _

**Neville** gasped again.

**Hermione** tried to placate  **Neville** . **“He doesn't mean it Neville. He's just testing out some wizard swears.”**

The music changed to a more dramatic tune while the lighting focused slightly on  **Harry. “I mean every word I ever say ever because I'm Harry Potter.”** Lightning flashed.

Harry rolled his eyes. No. That’s not how things work. That’s not how he works, no, stop. What are you doing? _ (What am I doing?) _

**Neville** turned away. **“I'm telling Professor Dumbledore.”**

The teachers smiled. Ah, a respectful boy, standing up for what’s right.

**“You're such a Broomhead!” Ron** called after him.

**“This is against the rules!” Neville** protested.

Suddenly,  **Harry** was in front of  **Neville** . How, the students had no idea. They didn’t see the puppet sink down or pop up. Ehhh, how often can magic be used as an excuse?  _ (always) _ **“I can't let you do this Neville.”**

**Neville** turned back and began mumbling. **“Oh no! No! I don't want to swear! My grandmother doesn't want me to swear.”**

Neville realized he needed to get a life away from his grandmother. He did not want this to be his legacy  _ (yes, I love and support you neville! Follow your dreams!) _

**Harry** was back in his original position. **“Are you a Gryffindor or not Neville?”**

That’s not what makes a Gryffindor, Harry groaned.

**“I am a Gryffindor but...but…”**

**“Try it then,” Harry** said, holding up the paper. **“Here's the list. Say anything.”**

When he hesitated,  **Hermione** offered encouragement to break the rules. **“You can do it Neville.”**

**Neville** , poor boy, finally succumbed to peer pressure. **“Hagrid's B-butt Crack.”**

**“Yay!” Ron** and **Hermione** said in almost monotone cheer. Real Neville was blushing, not wanting to even look at the head table, where Hagrid was currently sitting.

Shaking his head,  **Harry** said, **“You sicken me.”**

**“B-but it's on the list-”**

**Harry** interrupted him. **“Hagrid is ten times the man you'll ever be Neville.”** Harsh, much? Good for defending Hagrid, but Neville was a sweetheart. Many teachers frowned in disapproval. Neville also gained many Hufflepuff supporters  _ (including me, but whatever. I’m a Neville stan, fite me) _ .

The lighting changed to make  **Harry** look more dramatic.  **“Leave Hogwarts, Neville Longbottom. Never come back.”**

**Nevill** awkwardly shuffled off-stage and  **Ron** and **Hermione** repeated the same, **“Yay!”** from before.

**“You're quite the hellion today, Harry,” Hermione** said.

**“Yeah. You rife with boyish attitude.”** Ah, so the warning at the beginning was a reference to this.

**Harry** took pride in this. **“Hey let's do a prank call.”**

A muggle phone appeared, confusing a few purebloods. Ron sort of recognized it, but eh, does he count? He really messed up the one phone call we saw him make.

Suddenly,  **Voldemort** was in another section, picking up his own phone. **“Dark Lord Voldemort speaking.”**

Voldemort couldn’t believe this! As if he would have that foolish mortal contraption! Though, sometimes he heard of the recent advances in technology… no, he was a wizard! He had  _ magic! _ He doesn’t need muggles! They’re stupid!

**“Leprechaun Taint!” Harry** shouted, and the trio began giggling.

People were horrified at the idea. Swearing at… at  _ Voldemort? _ A few shuddered at the thought.

**Voldemort** was yelling at them over the phone, threatening to call the cops and/or kill them, whichever. Point is, the puppet trio were too busy laughing to notice the approach of  **Snape and Dumbledore.**

**“There they are.”**

**Voldemort** was faintly heard hanging up the phone.  **“So stop calling!”**

**Harry, Hermione,** and **Ron** quickly stopped laughing and hid the phone. The Slytherins were wondering why they would bother, it was obvious this  **Dumbledore** would do nothing against them. He would probably find this all hilarious.

**Dumbledore** got the kids attention. **“Professor Snape would like to have a word with you children.”**

**“Oh Unicorn Turds.”** Were they refusing to use the same swear twice? Was it just to show all the hilarious swears the muggle could come up with?

**Snape** slowly began advancing on the trio. **“That is exactly the sort of vulgarity that I want to eradicate from the distinguished halls of Hogwarts. The traditions of the school must be upheld and respected. The founders surely would-”**

**Harry** suddenly burst out  **“Muggle****ing Troll**** Snape!”** startling the younger children with the loud bleep.

**“WHAT!?”**

**“You Floppy Wanded Dementor Buggerer!” Harry** continued. There was an awkward pause where nobody was speaking at all. A few students giggled at the insults being hurled at Snape, but the glares from the head table kept them mostly in check.

**Ron** completely broke the silence with a completely random exclamation of, **“Dobby's Sock.”**

While others were chuckling at the absurdness of  **Ron’s** statement, Draco was thinking very hard. Another Dobby reference? This couldn’t be an accident. Perhaps Potter and his gang knew of Dobby, but how? Dobby was released from his family’s service almost three years ago. Then again, his father was rather vague about how Dobby left the family.

**Snape** turned to  **Dumbledore. “Dumbledore, I urge you to expel these monsters.”** Yeah, as if that would ever happen. With what the trio got up to in real life, it would take a lot more than swearing to get them expelled.

Imagine if students could actually get expelled for swearing. Ron would’ve been gone in the first week. The entirety of the quidditch teams would also be gone, before the first match even. It’s bad enough that I get scandalized gasps at home when I swear, I don’t need it to be a problem at school, too.

**“Oh Snape, Let them have their flapdoodle.”** As predicted,  **Dumbledore** was completely useless.

**“But you're the one who banned the words in the first place!” Snape** said, indignantly. The Slytherins agreed with him.

**“I don't even remember five minutes ago!”** Obviously not, you senile, old buffoon. **“Back to your skulking.” Snape** went off stage, to the relief of the other puppets.

**“Thank you so much Dumbledore!”**

**“Alas! Your welcome.”** ...nobody talks like that, who talks like that? Apparently, Dumbledore.

**“Dumbledore. You're obscenely old, right?” Harry** asks, making a few students chuckle under their breath at the bluntness of the puppet.

**Dumbledore** took absolutely no offense to this. **“Why yes!”**

**“Do you know any super ancient, lost to the ages, archaic-”** Harry thought his puppet was laying it on a bit thick, there **“-olden times wizard swears?”**

**“Ah, well, there is one.”**

**Ron** immediately said,  **“I want to hear it!!!”**

Oh, no. This was not going to end well. Dramatic music was playing in the background, adding an air of suspense that worried the teachers and students alike.

**“The Elder swear. You must never repeat it to anyone.”**

**“We won't Professor.” Hermione** promised.

“Don’t believe that,” the real Hermione said.

**“Here it is.” Dumbledore** took a deep breath. The students were on the edge of their seats. **“Your Mother is a-”**

They were taken aback by the sheer number of bleeped out words. Ron wondered why soup was mentioned. Hermione was concerned over the castle far away where no one would hear them. Harry just wanted to know who Daniel Radcliffe was.

**“-Alakazam!!!!!!!!!!”**

**Dumbledore** gasped after that extremely long swear word that they didn’t even hear half of with all of the censored words.

**“Wow.”** Us too,  **Ron** , us too.

**“Now you know,” Dumbledore** said. **“You must never ever repeat it, okay?”**

A bit of music played as it focused on  **Harry. “We promise sir.”**

Nobody in the audience really believed that. With the personalities of these puppets? No way.

A sign popped up.  **Later…**

**Harry, Ron** and **Hermione** were surrounding a poor  **Neville** , who was trying to escape.

**“Your Mother is a-”**

Even though they saw it coming, it was still a bit funny. Even Neville gave a snort before blushing harder than before.

**The End**

Umbridge was supremely frustrated. This- this- whatever it was, it was interfering with her work! None of the students were taking her seriously and she didn’t even have a puppet! Spreading the rumor that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back- ooh, if it weren’t also making that Potter boy look the fool, Umbitch- sorry, Umbridge- would have already written the Ministry about it.

_ Well, _ Umbridge decided,  _ I’ll just make my speech in the morning. _

Silly Umbitch. As if that will stop them.

Neville was going through the five stages of grief when the Trio came to sit with him.

“Hey, Neville,” Hermione greeted.

“Oh, hey,” he replied, shyly.

“We just wanted to offer our support,” Harry told him.

Ron nodded. “Yeah, we all got awful puppets, but we’re coping fairly well. Want any tips?”

“Oh, uh, I actually think I’m pretty good for now,” Neville said. “Honestly, not as bad as it could have been, I think.”

“Not that bad? Neville, you’re a potato!”

“No, I’m not!” he protested.

Ron backtracked, “Well, not in real life, but your puppet-”

“Isn’t a potato either,” Hermione cut in. “Puppet Neville is a butternut squash.” He nodded in agreeance.

“Really?” Harry asked.

“Obviously,” she said. “Next you’ll tell me that you think strawberries are actual berries!”

“They aren’t?” Ron exclaimed.

Hermione rolled her eyes. “No, Ronald, strawberries are roses!”

“Yeah,” Neville said. “But pineapples are berries!”

Harry and Ron just sat there, dumbfounded. Why are plants like this? Why couldn’t they be simple?

“What’s next, vegetables aren’t real?” Ron said, dryly, half hoping it’s true.

“Well, botanically-”


	5. School is for Losers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's morning. Umbridge is trying to take advantage of the kids not-yet-entirely-awake state to say her speech. A short little skit stops her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's really short, but it's good, I swear it's good!  
> Also, take care of yourselves, especially if you're in America. Ily

The students woke the next morning for class and slowly made their way down to the Great Hall. Half of them weren’t fully awake, less than half of the others were ungodly morning people.

Speaking of ungodly morning people, Umbridge was way too perky for this time of day. Perhaps she had magical coffee that acts like cocaine, it would explain much about her, really. That, or she was excited about finally giving her speech in the morning when the puppets couldn’t interrupt her.

“Hem, hem,” Umbridge announced, standing proudly at the front table.

The students awake enough paled. No, they didn’t want to listen to her! Please, if there is a god out there, please, let the puppets come!

A Hufflepuff near burst into tears when they saw the stage. “THERE IS A GOD!” they yelled in relief as the curtains opened.

“NO!” Umbitch screeched. No, she had to give her speech!

But it was too late, the students were  ~~_ saved _ ~~ distracted by the show. There was no sign saying what this one was called, but it was still going to be entertaining. At least more entertaining than whatever Umbridge had in store.

**Harry** showed up on stage, jauntily singing a merry little tune.  **“I’m Harry Potter, School is for Losers, I’m totally awesome-”** The students all giggled. Was it just the not-awake-yet state of the students or was this one funnier than the others?

**“Eh-he-hem,” Snape** interrupted. Ooh, this was gonna be good. The puppets have none of the fragile chill that the real life versions possess.  **“Mr. Potter, you have been absent from my potion’s class for over three weeks. I have no choice but to-”**

**Snape’s** complaints blurred into nonsense as  **Harry** looked out towards the crowd. So relatable.

Finally, the noise suddenly stopped and an  _ actual fist _ came out of nowhere and hit  **Snape** . Everyone in the Hall gasped as  **Snape** hit the wall and fell to the ground

**Harry** looked on with indifference, turning and pulling out a saxophone. Music played as the words  **‘Harry Potter is Awesome’** appeared in blue writing in the air around the puppet.  **Harry** posed, then the curtains closed.

That was really short, but all the students applauded, cheering for the saviour of the morning and instantly began loudly discussing it with their friends, not giving Umbitch the option to start speaking again. Umbridge was just about ready to scream.

A perfect start to the day, really.


End file.
